After 52 years of life on this planet, I learned I was Autistic. I don’t know why it came as such a surprise. I have several family members that range across the spectrum from low support needs to profound needs requiring fulltime care. But my world was in free fall, and I really needed answers to why I was the way I was,

It took a pandemic, my parents dying of dementia within a few years of each other, getting fired in the middle of my mother’s hospice, and a marriage dissolving around me for me to ask the hard question.

Am I “That Guy?”

Like many, I took an online test. I specifically wanted to take the same tests that are used in the profession to pre-screen adults with Autism. I had suspicions, but like almost everyone in this country, our exposure to Autism in media is about as accurate as Hollywood’s portrayal of the Wild West, in regards to the racial makeup. Autism was what Dustin Hoffman had in ‘Rainman’. Aspergers is what that weird guy in the IT department has, the one whose cubicle is surrounded by every Science Fiction Funko Pop made.

My scores were quite high. Seeing this, I was confused. I couldn’t possibly be Autistic. I would know, I said to myself. I took stock of everything I knew about it, every symptom, trait, example I could remember, which turned out to be a big fat nothing. I knew nothing about it.

So what do we do when we want to dive into a sub-culture we fear we might be about to join, but need validation? We go to Reddit. And my Autism education was born and, Holy Shit, was I autistic.

I first had to learn what Autism actually WAS, and how it applied to me. I had to learn the commonalities and overlaps with other neurodivergent traits, and how to spot the unique traits that would indicate Autism Spectrum Disorder. For me, this part of the self discovery was a whirlwind of revelation and reflection. Discovering through reading people’s testimonials that I had ALWAYS had these traits, that my entire life has been about accommodating my sensitivities and seeking shelter from them when feeling overwhelmed.

Only by reading these personal stories of others like me did I learn just how much of my life is unique to the Neurodivergent community. Traits and reactions that consume me everyday of my life are not common to Neurotypicals, such as stimming, humming, rocking, and a whole host of other odd behaviours that I have always done privately. Talking to others like me exposed me to the answers I had been seeking my entire life.

Why did everyone treat me “that way?” Why was I the way I am? My sense of self worth, my own dosier and evaluation of who I was as a person had never flagged me as the the “odd one”, the nerd, the loser, the r*tard (I can’t spell it out, this hateful word). At no point in my life had I considered that I might be Autistic because it just wasn’t discussed. Children with Autism grow up too, and not every kid is caught early. Especially poor kids of parents who most likely were on the Spectrum themselves and born long before there was a word for it.

Even though I didn’t know what I was, I knew that At 52, I was now exhausted. I could no longer mask effectively, pretend to be someone I wasn’t. Every social interaction involves extreme acting, a complete facade that I feel puts the other at ease. Smooth conversations and safe topics are the expressway to reading the other side of an awkward and painful interaction, which translates to getting home sooner. I had learned through my research that my entire life is nothing but constant coping mechanisms that are my only respite from the onslaught of my surroundings. My body is always being betrayed by an environment that cares not for my comfort.

I can’t tell you how important it is for you to find others like you to help educate you on what you have suspected your entire life. Whether you self-diagnose through the help of groups such as the Adult Autism subreddit, or you get an official evaluation, the same outcome applies. We must take our new knowledge and integrated it into how we need to live our new reality.

Being an Adult with Autism can be a huge pain in the ass. Now, I find myself 2 years on, learning not just how to cope with my diagnosis, but how to forgive myself for all my flaws. Imposter Syndrome is an albatross we wear daily, and only this year have I begun to try to convince myself that I deserve forgiveness. Every criticism and judgement I level at myself can now be taken into its rightful context. Its a struggle, and my mental health is more a challenge than its been in a while as I find myself suddenly single, in another state, attempting to be a adult again.

On top of coming to terms with my own neurodivergence and learning better coping mechanisms and strategies for living a better and healthier life, I am teaching myself how to be a responsible adult, how to live a full and healthy life, where ennui and exhaustion no longer weighing me down. I am training every minute of the day on how to clean my apartment, make my bed, do daily chores, scrub the toilet.

I aim to be the American Ninja of keeping a cute an tidy place. That is my current goal on my Adulting checklist. I have already checked off certain health milestones, and have gotten my living quarters to a place that doesn’t say “Divorced Male”, even though nothing matches and it mainly consists of my mother’s furniture and decorations.

Next goal is learning to choose my own personal style. I never felt good enough to try to look suave. I’ve got my eye on a snazzy little number…